When I prayed, I guess I did not truly listen. I thought I was.. Perhaps that was the reason we were heading nowhere. What outcome did we want to see from the relationship? Was it just a try-out session together? Or could we have enriched each others lives more and reach out to other people to make a difference in this world as one? Where were we going?


Having a relationship while studying is really no joke to crack about. As students, we have so much work to handle, exams to excel in, etcetera etcetera. How committed can we be in a relationship? 24 hours a day is all we have to make full use of and already about 8 hours are taken up by la-la-land, another 8 and more will be for school. How much time can we spare for our friends and that special someone? Then, what about God? He has always someone whom we do not usually involve in the things that we do in our life. Maybe only sometimes during prayer and reflection... But..don't we all need Him?


Arrogant and ignorant creatures we are, deaf to the tranquility we are able to experience with Him.


I thought that we could stay strong, and hold on for as long as we would live..


I was wrong again.


Where did I go wrong?

What did I not do enough?

Why do things have to happen this way?

I thought it could last?

Why?

How could it be?

Was it really love?

Or was it not...?

Questions...raced through my mind for weeks and weeks I still could not find any answer. I felt lost, and lonely. Where was the person whom I once knew was with me all along? Why did you have to go... Why..


We had talks after talks, but still, things weren't right somehow. I guess you weren't sure of things still.. I thought I should give you more time to think through..yupp.. You thought through.


I was disappointed.


Why couldn't we just hold on and grow together in faith and love in time to come? Why do we have to break? Why did you have to say that... Couldn't you see that if God doesn't want us to be together, somehow he'd show it?


I was angry.


Why God, why now..? I cannot take such a blow coming my way. Please, don't do this.. How much did the relationship mean to you?


I guess none of us is to be blamed.. In many ways, I believe it meant a lot to you. But feelings faded and it wasn't the right time, and so on.. It was better for you.


Break-ups, they really create chaos in people..


I was sad, and I didn't want to talk to you. I knew I had to force myself to move away.. I did not hate you, never did. Initially, I thought I could deceive myself by telling myself nothing happened, so that I could talk to you like usual. I couldn't carry on living in self-denial. I had to face the truth. You tried to reach out to me, but I did not want to talk. I was sad..


For something, and even more so for someone treasured so much, I could not understand why this had to happen.


I guess we did not really have friendship as the foundation of our relationship from the start..so it was like building a house made of sand... Anytime when Mother Nature wishes, the house says goodbye. There was not enough ground for understanding, neither was there enough space for each other to give and take.


I had to talk to my friends, to find a reason why things turned out this way.. I was afraid it would seem like I was trying to divide friends and make them take sides. No, I never wanted that.. I just wanted an answer.. Why.. I needed them to empathize, for them to be there for me.. They were there for me when I was down, and I am really grateful for that.. Each one of them whom I turned to brought me a bit closer to God.


He was all I needed. He was the answer.


For God to send His only son to grant us salvation, even though we are beings who have sinned, can only mean that He loves us through and through.


When God made each one of us, He made a portion of our heart that was only for Him..so that we would long for Him. We try, and we really try, to squeeze all sorts of things into that small portion of our heart. Things like friends, hobbies, friends, relationships, and even family.. Still, it does not seem to fit.. Our lives are incomplete without God, and only with God, we will only be complete.


I have learnt that one plus one plus one, makes one. That's what my mum and dad tell me. A man must first be a whole before they love, and likewise, a woman. God never made man and women halves of each other. They were meant to be complete themselves.. Together with God, they would then become ONE. If two halves join together, they would only equate to a love which is just "complete" (which is in fact incomplete). When two wholes come as one with God, the love they experience, is over-flowing, and overwhelming.


Even if a spouse dies, life still continues, because the one that is left, is still one, and his or her life is still complete. For God is still with them. Devastated? YES they will be. Like who wouldn't? But after their grief, they will experience God so much more in their lives, and it would be of a greater meaning.


God works wonders in beautiful ways..but we are blinded by the noise of the world, to see.


I guess my parents are my best role models in my life ever. I just wonder, after 18 years of marriage, seeing each other everyday, how exactly do they do that? Won't they get tired of seeing each other? Won't their feelings for each other fade too? What makes them so strong together?


Looking a generation higher, I would wonder even more.


How...?


As always, the answer is God.


Man and woman are made very different from each other. Men and women among themselves are just as different. I guess when being together, there is no way at all to resolve all the differences in one another just by giving and taking. Instead, why not have a commanality that will last forever? Why not have God in the centre of our lives that will bind us in faith and love? Isn't Him someone whom we can trust all our lives?


But...sigh.


Perhaps nowadays, there are just so few people left who can actually see things this way. Divorce rates have evidently risen for the past few years and has been on the rise. Having God in the centre of our lives doesn't just mean to go to church only, but much more.


Where is that someone out there who can withstand the odds and be with me till the end of time and share the same kind of faith with me...?






I'll not be afraid to love again when the time comes.


This time, I will pray...


and listen.



Lastly to you..for the relationship we had..


You have brought me closer to God.